The Science of Success Podcast

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What Everyone Gets Wrong About Willpower & Grit - The Science of Long-Term Success with Dr. David DeSteno

Lace Gilger
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In this episode, we discuss why the way we think about grit and willpower is fundamentally wrong. Self-control is one of the most research-validated strategies for long-term success - but the way we think about cultivating is fundamentally wrong. Emotions don’t get in the way of self-control - they are actually the path forward to sustainable and renewable willpower. How do we develop the emotions that underpin grit, self-control, and achievement? We dig into that and much more with our guest Dr. David DeSteno. 

Dr. David DeSteno is an author and professor of psychology at North-Eastern University where he directs the Social Emotions Group. He is a fellow of the Association for Psychological Science and the American Psychological Association. His work has been featured in the New York Times, The Wall Street Journal, USA Today, and more!

  • What do Marshmallows have to do with success?

  • What do Buddhist monks and hot sauce have to do with the most effective strategies for succeeding over the long term?

  • Lower debt, lower addictive behavior, better SAT scores, and higher overall life success can be predicted by the ability to resist temptation and delay gratification

  • There’s NO DOUBT that delayed gratification/resisting temptation is highly correlated with success 

  • The real question is - what’s the best way to create self-control. Does willpower actually work? Do our emotions get in the way of self-control?

  • Self-control didn’t evolve so that we could save money for retirement or complete Whole 30. It evolved to help us develop strong relationships

  • What are the mechanisms that create fairness and good character? Positive emotions. 

  • Rather than being a roadblock to self-control, emotions may actually be the best way to develop self-control

  • Willpower tends to be pretty fragile, the longer you try to rely on it or use it, it fails

  • 25% of new years resolutions fail in the first 2 weeks - why is that?

  • 1 out of every 5 times the average person tries to resist temptation, they fail

  • Relying too much on willpower can increase your stress levels, cause premature aging, and negative health impacts

  • What research reveals why 90% of people cheat in this crazy experiment 

  • The danger of using reason and rationalizations 

  • Evolutionary basis of these pro-social emotions 

  • Emotional responses to self-control are better and stronger 

  • Self-control is highly correlated with pretty much every positive life outcome - let's dig into the strategies for how we cultivate more of it 

  • Revisiting the marshmallow test for adults - and determining what really works to help adults develop self-control 

  • The three emotions of developing self-control

  • Gratitude

    1. Compassion

    2. Pride

  • People who have more of these pro-social emotions (gratitude, compassion, and pride) persevere 40% longer than someone who doesn't. 

  • Most successful teams at organizations like Google are predicated on empathy and compassion, not technical skill. 

  • These emotions seem to form “pushing vs pulling” - more sustainable and powerful strategy of self-control 

  • The pro-social emotions are “the font of virtue” - you don’t have to struggle and remind yourself, they naturally create more self-control

  • 53% of Americans feel lonely in their work lives. Loneliness is as bad for your health as smoking. 

  • Pro social emotions not only give you “grit” - they give you “grace” - and the ability to invest in others and to help them. 

  • Resume virtues vs eulogy virtues - what are they and how do we balance them?

  • Should you be a jerk or should you be nice in order to succeed?

  • Self-control is double sided - it's about both controlling negative impulses (anger, etc) and making positive long-term choices (eat healthily, save money, etc)

  • Meditation does not tamp down your negative responses, it prevents them from arising in the first place

  • Key strategies for cultivating pro-social emotions

  • Gratitude practices

    1. Meditation

    2. Perspective taking exercises

    3. Self-compassion

  • How do we develop an effective gratitude practice?

  • Noticing gratitude at the moment is even more powerful than gratitude journaling

  • What kind of meditation strategies are the most effective and most scientifically validated?

  • Why Pride? Is that really a positive and pro-social emotion?

  • People will work 40% longer when they feel “proud” of the work they are doing

  • Willpower based cognitive tools are weak and potentially harmful to us both socially and individually

  • Emotionally based strategies for self-control are more robust and sustainable

  • Homework: Choose your emotion and pick a weekly practice to start implementing it

  • Gratitude

    1. Meditation

    2. Compassion

Thank you so much for listening!

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